Your Changing Relationships

Caring can be extremely fulfilling, but it can also be demanding and take its toll on your relationships. Changes can occur suddenly or gradually over time, but your relationships, especially with loved ones, can seem very different to how they were before.  

Read on for some tips and guidance and ways to seek support as you cope with these changes.  

Managing behaviours which you may find challenging

If you’re caring for someone with a complex condition, you may find that their moods vary greatly. This unpredictability can leave you feeling uneasy, and it’s completely natural to find this stressful or difficult to manage.

In some situations, the person you care for may not be aware of their actions, or able to understand how their behaviour affects you.

Practical ways to help you manage behaviours you find challenging

Understanding the behaviour
Challenging behaviour can include actions that feel disruptive, harmful or difficult to manage, such as verbal or physical aggression, non-compliance, defiance, destructiveness or general disruptiveness.
These behaviours often stem from an underlying condition, communication difficulties, pain, anxiety or trauma. It may also be a response to an environmental stressor or an unmet need.

It can be helpful to see the behaviour as an expression of distress rather than something intentional. Approaching situations with kindness, compassion and understanding can often help to de-escalate things.

Effective communication strategies
Clear, calm and empathetic communication can prevent escalation. Actively listening and validating the person’s feelings can make a real difference. Setting boundaries, keeping to them, and explaining expectations gently can also help.

De-escalation techniques
When behaviour begins to escalate, certain techniques can be useful. Redirecting attention to a calm activity or a different environment can help settle the situation. Avoiding confrontation, or using distraction and gentle humour, can also be effective. Always make sure you keep yourself safe.

Knowing your loved one and how they like to be supported
Tailoring support to their needs is key. Understanding their triggers and early warning signs can enable you to intervene before things escalate. Where possible, develop a shared understanding of how they would like to be supported during difficult moments.

There are many resources and courses available—both online and through various organisations—that explore ways to manage behaviours you find challenging. It may also be helpful to talk to someone about how you are feeling. You can speak to your GP, or chat with our Wellbeing Practitioner if you need emotional support or guidance.

If possible, ask family or friends to help give you a break when you need one. You may also wish to contact social services about having a Carer’s Assessment if you haven’t already, as this can help you access additional support.

Feeling you are being taken for granted

This is a very common feeling among carers. Caring can be especially tiring and difficult when you feel like your work is going unnoticed or is not appreciated, especially by those who are being supported.   

It may help to talk about how you feel, unless the person(s) you look after has a condition that affects how they can express themselves or understand you. 

It’s important that you acknowledge your own effort and congratulate and reward yourself about the things you have achieved. Set time aside for yourself regularly and make sure you do things that you enjoy. See our advice on Taking a Break. Also be kind to yourself even if you lose patience every now and again. Your frustrations are natural and it is perfectly fine to feel that way.  
If you notice that negative feelings are building up inside, make sure you talk it out with either someone you know or a professional counsellor or volunteer. See Coping with Stress and Low Mood and Depression for some useful tips and information.  

Feeling isolated - my friends don't understand

Having a caring role has its challenges. One of these challenges can be not having people in your life who understand what it is that you are going through.  

It is really useful to find some peer support and joining one of our events or activities can help you find people who are going through a similar situation. Visit our what’s on page to find a group that suits you.  

CarersUK run some great online Share and Learn sessions where you can learn a new skill whilst at home. 

I now feel like a parent rather than a partner

It can be very difficult to deal with the change in your relationship, whether this has happened suddenly or over a long period. It may be helpful to acknowledge your feelings with your partner in a way that won’t make them feel guilty. Perhaps there are ways you can change the dynamic by, for example, having a date night once a week watching a film together. 
 
Of course sometimes relationships change so much that it is not possible to recapture what was there before, and coming to terms with the situation can be really difficult. It could be helpful to talk to someone.   
 
There are many different sources of support that could help. In the first instance, you could speak to your GP and see if they can recommend any local services, such as social prescribing, talking therapies or counselling groups. Relate also has a lot of useful guidance and information about local groups and offer specialist counselling services.  
 
It may be helpful to connect with other carers who may be experiencing the same thing as you. Joining one of our groups can often lead to new friendships and the chance to share your experience with others – maybe even helping them too.  

My parents need more help - but they don't agree

Slowly we can start taking on a more caring role as our parents age. It can start with small jobs – helping with shopping, lifting things and then slowly the tasks become bigger and more regular. These changing roles can be challenging for both you and your parents. 

If you have siblings it is a good idea to discuss the future and how you see it working. Avoid putting off these conversations as you don’t want to be dealing with these big decisions when you are under pressure. It is also a good idea to address the wishes of your parents before they lose mental or physical capacity. 

Putting in place a power of attorney could help with future health and financial decisions – unfortunately too many people only consider this option when it is too late as it is important that someone has mental capacity (the ability to make their own decisions) to arrange one. Read more about a Power of Attorney here. 

When you can see someone’s needs increasing, especially a loved one’s, it can be really hard to know how to address the subject of preparing for the future. 

It could be helpful to look at things from their point of view. No one likes the idea of giving up their independence and the fear of becoming a burden can create a mind-set of denial.  

It’s important to open up conversations around plans for the future. There are lots of ways to keep living independently for longer, such as  equipping the home  or arranging alternative living arrangements.   

If your loved one is already at a stage where they need additional support and they are reluctant to accept that, having open and honest conversations with them can be helpful. If this is something you have tried, having a needs assessment via the local authority can help them have an understanding of what their needs are, and the social worker can discuss support options which may be more comfortable for your loved one.  

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